Michelle

7/11/10
You are not alone

So my last blog was very downhearted. I would like to say all those problems are fixed, but they aren't. But God has blessed me with incredible teammates, and God is good! Things are better, but I'm still ready to be home. I want to soak up every second I can, but it's hard because I'm getting so close to the end, I've just gotten into that "Okay let's just get the traveling over with and get home already!" mode. Especially since we don't have much to do these next couple days. And because I know how much traveling time is involved, and that is not an exciting thought to think about! But I'm so excited to get home! I know that there's still so much to process, and that I won't even be able to process everything while I'm still here. But I am excited to share more than I have in my blogs with everyone! It's been extremely hard, but God has taught me so much, that the sufferings have been worth it. And I trust and know that the one I'm going through now will be worth it too. As long as I stay open to God for Him to use it to teach me whatever He wants to teach me. Because "God uses ALL things to work together for the good of those that love Him." So that's very encouraging! My teammates have given me scriptures, and songs, and quotes, and God has revealed some to me personally that has been very encouraging. While I've still had some very overwhelming moments these past couple days, and I still feel a heaviness on my heart, I believe that has a lot to do with this place, and what goes on here, and everything I've seen. But God is good, and I am excited to process and see things and learn things that I didn't even see or know about before I left! Don't get me wrong though... While I'm excited to tell people about it, it's going to be extremely hard to re-live it all. But please don't be afraid to ask me about it! Even though it will be hard, I know that God works through our sufferings to teach us things. So I still want you to ask me!! This may be my last blog, but who knows. I still have about 48 hours here, maybe a little less. Tomorrow morning we are going to be working in a garden for a lady that the leaders of the center know. So we'll be doing a different kind of ministry for a few hours! And then after that we'll probably just be hanging out, and then on Tuesday packing up since we leave late Tuesday night. So, just in case this is my last one, thank you so much for reading these blogs! I wish I had done a lot more of them, but then that leaves a lot that you'll just have to ask me about! :) So thank you very much, and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your prayers! We couldn't have done this without prayer! I love you all so much and thank you greatly for your support! I will see you all soon! :)


7/9/10
Hold my heart...

Right now, I'm incredibly homesick. Which, I'm surprised it hasn't hit me sooner than this. I miss being able to pick of the phone and call my mom or anyone for that matter whenever I want to. I hate having to wait sometimes days for a respone over the internet. Don't get me wrong; I'm totally thankful that I even have access to the internet. That is SUCH a blessing! But I miss home. I miss my family, my house, my bed, the smells of my home, American food (although I've been very blessed by getting to have quite a bit of American food), I miss my church family, I just miss everything. My heart is so heavy right now I feel like I can't make it the last four days I have here. And we only have one night of ministry left; and all that really is is going to be us saying goodbye. I'm just so sad.... I've been dealing with this spirit of fear that the enemy is plauging me with. As if he can really harm me; but he's giving me thoughts in my head that he can. And I know that the only way he has power over me is if I give it to him. And I feel like constantly letting these thoughts into my mind is letting him have some kind of power over me. I know it's just a way of bringing me down and making my soul heavy; and I hate that it's working! I'm just so overwhelmed at the moment by everything that has happened down here, and everything I've seen. My heart has been completely broken for the people around me, and I desperately want them to come to know Jesus. And not just these people here, but everyone! I've come to realize that I want absolutely nothing that this world has to offer, because what this world offers is dirty, cheap, and worthless. So I believe that, like the apostle Paul said, "to live is Christ, to die is gain". And I've never wanted to meet Jesus more than I do now! But I know at the same time, I want everyone around me to come to know Him too! So I know that I have victory in Jesus. So why on earth am I letting these thoughts weigh me down?! WHY do I feel this spirit of fear, when I know that God has overcome the world and defeated death? Now I am the type of girl that once something gets into my head it's hard to let it go. I've said prayer after prayer, and had the other girls pray for me many times, but it just keeps coming back. I know in my head that God has protected me and will keep me safe. But my heart isn't there yet. I know God may be using this to teach me something, and if so, alright. But it's so hard to think about that when you're in the midst of a struggle. Especially when it deals with something life fear. I just want to feel safe, and know that God is with me. I dealt with some doubts the last few days; I think I even mentioned them in the last blog a bit. But now I don't have those anymore praise the Lord! So now the enemy is seriously hitting this button over and over again to try to get me down. And every now and then I let him. I don't know why. Bailey said maybe God was going to use this to teach me to battle. Well, I want to know how to battle and how to overcome! Cause my head knows that Jesus HAS defeated death and the enemy, and that in Him I DO have victory! So now, my heart needs to catch up, and my mind needs to be transformed. I must go for now, but please keep me in your prayers! I cannot wait to be home and share in person with everyone! I love you all!


7/7/10
Bats, rats, geckos, bumblebees, mosquitos and ants.

It's been a few days, so thank you for being patient! You may be wondering what on earth I mean by the title of this blog. Well, they are all animals or reptiles that I have come into contact with while here in Thailand. We have had one or two giant bees in our room, several geckos, countless mosquitos, an infinite number of ants (if we dont keep crumbs out of our room), and one bat flying around our room. This trip is definitely the adventure of a lifetime! I've come to find that if something we did on this trip wasn't an adventure, then it just wouldn't be the same!

Well, several things have gone on since I wrote last. We've had two nights of ministry, which still prove to be as hard as ever; we've gone and seen the giant buddha that sits on top of a hill; we've worked around the center; and, gotten to see some more of this gorgeous island! Monday, we went to see the big buddha. While it was pretty, because of the stone it was made out of, as soon as you turned around and looked at the view, then your breath was actually taken away. There is no god like our God. He is the One true God. And I'm happy to serve Him! The buddha was made out of very pretty stone, but our God even created the materials to make it! And like all things made by man, it was rotting away. They are actually in the process of repairing it. Which just goes to show how unreal buddha really is. (P.S. as I'm writing this, yet another bat is flying around my room!) Anyway, the view of God's creation was absolutely breathtaking. Words cannot describe it, and even my pictures don't do enough justice! It reminded me of how BIG God is, and how SMALL I am! God is so good! Monday and Tuesday night we went out on our ministry, which was as hard as ever. It seems like we may be meeting some closed doors, because even though we have been forming some pretty good relationships with some of the girls, they'll either say they're coming to lunch and then not come, or just say maybe next time. So although it will break my heart to leave them, there's only so many times you can tell the same thing to someone, because it's ultimately their choice. So, at least we've been planting seeds and they have the flyer telling them about the center, so hopefully someday along the road it will all take root!
I want to thank everyone that reads this for all of your prayers, because without them, we wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be able to do what we do. This is a extremely challenging, and ultimately life-changing event going on in my life, and I am very thankful for it! I am trying to be as open as possible to everything that God wants to teach me! The enemy is trying to mess with my mind and fill me with doubts, but I know who I trust and in whom I believe. Please pray that I will not even entertain such doubts, but to learn how to effectively battle against such things! Also, I feel a constant heaviness, so please pray that God will lift me out of that! I want to be completely surrended and open to God, for He is who I choose to serve!!
Well, I thought I had a lot more to talk about today, but I seem to have run out of words. All I can say is, God's creation is breathtaking and He is so awesome and SO BIG! Also, a word from God came to me the other day, that was specifically given for what I'm dealing with, both with this ministry and with the struggle of my aunt passing. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened , and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". While that verse has always comforted me, I never understood the part about taking on Jesus' yoke and how it was easy. Jesus also told us that He would never give us a burden that was too heavy for us to bear. So, it seems like those who get heavier burdens must be stronger, right? Wrong. God gives us struggles (burdens) yes, but He also told us to give them to Him, because "we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength" Philippians 4:13. So, it doesn't matter how "strong" we are. If we give ALL our burdens to God, we can go through anything! And the part about the yoke? Well, a yoke was the oxen's took for working hard. And it was always a shared yoke. There were always 2 of them working together. So even though we will have struggles, (and Jesus said we would but that He has already overcome them!) if we take Jesus' yoke, then we have someone else sharing the load; and His shoulders are a lot bigger and stronger than ours! So now we have someone helping us if we give them to Jesus. How cool! Just thought I would share that, because it's sure helping me!
That's it for now; only 1 week to go! I'll try to blog as much as I can! Thanks for reading this, and for all the prayers! God bless you!


7/4/10
The rebellion of a minor colony... (the 4th of july; get it?)

Well today was the 4th of july, which, since we're in Thailand, you would think we wouldn't get to celebrate it, right? Wrong! The missionaries kids school put on a 4th of july party because of some of the american kids that go to school there. So we got to go to that, which was awesome! Ironically, we were celebrating the 4th of july with british people, and in Thailand. Ha! It was just a great day of fun, with great american (and some mexican) food, great people, and great views. We even saw some fireworks!
This weekend was very helpful for me to just unwind a little bit and relax, especially after getting the news on friday night of my aunt passing away. Everyone has been so great and kind and loving, and I'm so thankful for the people I'm with since I can't be with my family during this time. While things aren't much easier, God is with me, and He'll see me through.
Today we also went to church, which was a mix of Thai and non-Thai people. The worship was amazing, with 2 people singing in english, and 2 singing in Thai. How awesome is that?! The songs they picked were like balm put upon a fresh wound... It was like they were picked just for me! It was so wonderful to worship my Savior with people who aren't of my nation! There was also someone who gave a testimony today, and it was like God placed him specifically on this day just for me to hear him. He spoke of his past 2 years, and how much he had gone through, and how it had changed him. He said while he wished he hadn't had to go through some of those things, he knows that he wouldn't be the same person that he is now if he hadn't experienced them. So in other words, his trials made him the person he is today, which he knew was a much better person. It was like God was speaking through this young guys mouth straight to me. While I wish I weren't going through having to deal with my aunts death halfway across the world, I know that God has something to teach me and some way to change me, that if I didn't go through this, I wouldn't be the same person as I will be having to go through this situation. When we go through these hard experiences and situations, we could choose to become bitter and angry. But God uses each experience to shape us and change us into better people, as long as we'll let Him. I'm gonna choose to let Him use this, because I know I'm here for a reason and I have a purpose here. Whatever His reason is for me being here at this specific time, over my aunts death, I don't know. But He sees the whole picture, so His plan is perfect, and He's going to use this experience to change me in a way that I couldn't if I were home at this time, or if this hadn't happened while I was gone. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard. So please back me up with some extra prayer, because I'm still not understanding it all, and I don't know what He has in store. But I want to be open to God changing me in this specific way from this specific experience. I want to be the girl God wants to change me into from these experiences here. I also want to savor each moment and each experience here, because this next week will fly by. While I desperately want to be home to be with my family and to attend the funeral, God has a plan for me that is here and now, and I'll trust Him. So I don't want to sit here constantly wishing to be home, (even though I have a very good reason to want to), because if I do that, I'll get home in 10 days and wish I could be back here, regretting that I wasted my time. God's plan is perfect, and He knows the whole thing, so why wouldn't I trust Him? I'm not totally alright, but I will be. I'm hurting in many ways, but because God is the ultimate Healer and Comforter, I'll be just fine. :)

7/3/10
And then the rain came down...

So there's a saying, "When it rains it pours." Well, that statement has never been more true, both literally and figuratively. It has rained every day and nearly all day except for the first day since reaching our final destination here in Thailand. While in many ways it has been a blessing, such as, it's not nearly as hot as it could be, and there aren't as many tourists where our outreach is, it is starting to become a bit of a downer. Things such as walking to the place we have dinner becomes planned around if it's raining hard or not. And because of all this rain, our ceiling is falling apart, and it constantly drips. Also, in the room across from us where our "dryer" is, (I put that in quotations because our dryer is actually just a giant rack where we hang our clothes by a window) a huge chunk of the ceiling actually caved in! This trip is definitely quite the adventure in more ways than one! There is also that feeling that many people gets when it's rainy, and you just want to stay in bed and not really do anything. Kind of hard to do that on the mission field now isn't it? And while it's a blessing, being that there doesn't seem to be as many tourists, it is hard to do our outreach walking along in the rain. No one likes to be wet constantly. So there you have it for the literally part. Now figuratively.... Since starting our outreach, things have been like a roller coaster. Which isn't surprising, but there are a lot more uphills than I care for. What goes on here has kind of become like the constant drip of the rain from the ceiling that's by my bed. While we are doing great work, it's the kind of work that is hard to be able to do very frequently. And since the beginning of this week, although we have taken quite a bit of time to rest, things have been slowly building inside of me. A mix of extreme culture shock, to not enjoying everything I eat, to the awfulness of what I see during our outreach, to the part of simply being away from home and not being able to call anyone at the drop of a hat. I am blessed that we have internet access, but that only goes so far when you're used to talking to certain people all the time. So tonight on our outreach, as soon as we got there, I knew I wasn't prepared for the evening. Which was weird, because I had felt so uplifted 20 minutes before. The spiritual atmosphere here is absolutely crazy, and it is very hard to stay consistent in spiritual, well "feelings" I guess. So, the few days of up and down and up and down and culture shock, etc. have all culminated to be being completely drained. Drained to the point that the enemy found an open door and started feeding me with lies. Drained to the point where I was starting to believe them; even though I knew that they were lies, then feeling stupid for having started to believe them; and then knowing that feeling stupid is not of God either. Between all of this, and most of my other teammates not feeling good about being there tonight, we decided to not continue with our outreach for the night. So since we were feeling so awful, we met with the directors here and we talked and prayed, and we all ended up feeling quite a bit better. A little less on my part, just because I think I didn't process everything quite right or fully, so there was still some things to process about all this. And here comes the monsoon..... As if all this wasn't bad enough, I get word that my aunt has passed away. While it wasn't completely unexpected since she had cancer, I had no idea that she was as bad as she really was. Unfortunately, after I found out about her diagnosis of cancer, I never got the chance to see her, though I wanted to badly. What hurts the most is that I'm halfway across the world, and I can't even be there for her funeral.
So here I am, sitting possibly 10,000 miles away from home, without my family, being fed lies of inadequacy and doubt, now having to greive for my aunt. For most of my life, I would've just sat here and asked why me? Well, part of me still wants to, even though I've grown so much in the Lord. I wanna ask things like, why did my trip get moved if God knew that she would pass away while I was gone? It just doesn't seem fair. And that's right. Life isn't fair. God told us we would have troubles in this world. But He also said to take heart, because He has already overcome the world. I praise the Lord with all my heart that she was a very strong woman of God, and as I sit here grieving and wishing I were there, I know she is no longer suffering, is at peace in the most amazing place EVER, is able to see her dad again, and ultimately, she is starting eternity with her heavenly daddy. Despite knowing that, I know it still won't be easy. But Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." God also says that He will never give us a burden too heavy for us to bear, and even beyond that He tells us to cast our burdens on Him, and He will give us rest. Even though I can't be there and that breaks my heart, and I wonder why the trip got moved to now, God has blessed me with the most amazing teammates. The sweetest, kindest, most loving, and huge prayer warriors. I couldn't ask to be with anyone better since I can't be with my family. I know that until I can return home, they will help me grieve, and will continually lift me up in prayer, and encourage me, and constantly point me to the One true King, to the home of the One where my aunt is now dwelling. I can sit here and ask why, why, why, or I can trust that God's plan is perfect, and He knows everything. He knew that this would happen while I was here with the trip being moved back. I don't understand, but I choose to trust that His plan is perfect and beyond my understanding, and that there is a reason why the trip was moved back, and there is a purpose for my being here. I won't say that this is now all so easy because I'm a stronger Christian now. Because it's not. The only "easy" part, is knowing that I choose to trust in God and will follow Him no matter what. I don't know why all this is happening, but I do know that God is infinite, all-knowing, and all-loving. And I will praise Him, even in this hard time. This is the song, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. Very fitting both literally (with the constant rain) and figuratively:

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

So as you can see, I need a lot of prayer. But not just me, my team as well. This outreach is much harder than any of us thought it would be, and we all know that on our own we can't do it. But with God nothing is impossible, and He will give us the strength to do what He called us to do. So please pray. Thank you for reading this, even though it's very long. It's a few really big days (and lots of emotions) all wrapped into one. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Though we may not understand, He does. And that's good enough for me. I WILL praise Him in this storm. Grace and peace. :)

Power for the Mission
6/29/30

Well this is my first blog!! I'm excited! This will probably be short and sweet since it's getting late here, but I just wanted to capture some thoughts.

Last night we had our first night of outreach. When I signed up for this trip and heard what we would be doing, I knew it would be hard. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would be this hard. I've never seen evil so rampant in one place. You know, you hear about these kinds of things, but as a Christian you never expect to see it. I'm not trying to make anyone nervous about me and my team being down here. If you are, just remember that the Lord is on our side, and through Him we have the victory to overcome the evil down here. So, please don't be nervous because we are well protected. :)
Like I was saying... This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. We are on the front lines of battle; God's battle. Like me, some may see this place and wonder why God doesn't just wipe it off the face of the earth like Sodom and Gommorah. However, I'm being reminded that in the days that God did that, people were to keep the commands of the law, and salvation was not a part of the picture yet. When Christ died on the cross, He got rid of the need of the law. While we still must obey His commands and live in such a way that pleases Him, His love and compassion for His people keep Him from just destroying the evil people in this world. It's hard to think that God could love these people, but in reality I am no better than them, because sin is sin in the eyes of God, and "we all fall short of the glory of God" (Romans something.. :)) It was Paul that said that "we all are sinners, of who I am chief)... that includes me. That includes you. So no matter how we sin, we are still sinners. And sin is evil and darkness in the eyes of God and it doesn't matter what we do. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. Not judging here is hard, but God keeps reminding me that they are broken and in need of Him too. We all are broken and in need of God, so I am learning not to judge.
This trip and these experiences are definitely changing me, and unlike the world, this place is changing me for the better. While it would be very easy to get caught up in a place like this, prayer is becoming my constant companion. (And I thank all of you as well for all your prayers!) The Lord is doing a mighty work here. Not just in the places we go, but also in our lives as well. The scriptures have never been so alive for us as they have been these past few days. What Jesus said 2000 years ago, still holds true today. How right people are when they say the Bible is a map on how to live your life. He is definitely leading us to the scriptures we need to see the most. Sometimes He's been giving some of us specific scriptures plainly, and others have kind of been stumbled upon. But either way, He is speaking through the scriptures to encourage us, and teach us what we need to know on how to do this ministry. And prayer.... I always believed in the power of prayer. There may have been some doubts, but no longer. We are literally living off of prayer. If it weren't for us keeping in contact, and while on outreach a nearly constant contact, with Jesus, there would be no need for us to be here because we wouldn't be being effective. The power of prayer, which is what the title of this is all about, is astounding. And I for one, believe in the power of prayer.

Well, I think that's all for tonight. It is late, and while we won't be going on outreach tomorrow, tonight has drained me and I need some rest. I hope to get more blogs on here, but if you would like more detail on what's going on, I am more than happy to talk about it in person! Blessings on you all! :)